Love, Poetry, and Tradition: Marriage in Japan’s Heian Era

Hi everyone! Today, I want to share a fascinating glimpse into how people got married back in Japan’s Heian period. It’s so different from what we imagine marriage to be today. Shall we take a look together?

So, in the Heian era, marriage was nothing like what we know now. It was an arrangement that might sound strange to us living in modern times. Picture this: when a man became interested in a woman, he wouldn’t just meet her and ask her out. Instead, he’d send her a handwritten letter with a poem, called a "waka." It was a way for him to express his feelings and also show off his creativity and sophistication.

But here’s where it gets even more interesting. The woman’s family—especially her parents—would carefully evaluate the man based on his letter. They’d look at his choice of words, the quality of his poetry, and even his future potential. Only if they decided he was a good match would they let him meet the woman. And even then, their first meeting was far from romantic by today’s standards. They’d talk to each other from behind a curtain, with the woman’s face hidden from view. Can you imagine?

If things went well and both the man and woman liked each other, the man would start visiting her at her family’s house. These visits were called "kayoi-kon," or “visiting marriage.” The man wouldn’t live with her, though. He’d remain a guest at her home, and she’d continue living with her family. Even after they had children, the kids would stay with the mother and her family rather than moving in with the father.

This style of marriage was common among the aristocracy. Since men often had multiple wives, women had to find ways to stand out. They’d use their skills, such as writing beautiful poetry or creating stunning outfits, to win the man’s attention. But sadly, if the man lost interest and stopped visiting, the woman would often feel abandoned. Many women in these situations turned to religion, becoming Buddhist nuns to find solace.

This dynamic of love and longing is beautifully captured in the famous Tale of Genji. The story includes many women who experienced heartbreak and sought peace by leaving worldly life behind.

Isn’t it incredible to think about how much relationships and marriage have changed over time? The Heian period’s way of life feels like a different world, yet there’s something timeless about the emotions they experienced—the joy of connection and the pain of separation. It makes you wonder how people hundreds of years from now will view our current ways of love and marriage, doesn’t it?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Do you think you’d enjoy this kind of courtship? Or does it feel too distant from what we’re used to? Let me know in the comments.